Monday. Woke up and immediately was having a terrible day. Sunday night I got the news that my mom's mom was very very sick and in the hospital dying. She did not have the strength to eat, speak...and apparently had "brain poisoning" from the cocktail of medications that the doctors were administrating in an effort to keep her alive. I woke felt guilty about not being able to be with my mother to give her strength and support(me being here in Monaco and her being in Indiana, USA). I also was mid-cycle of my period at this time. Another indicator that I wasn't pregnant. That this month was another failure.
Tuesday. Another bad day, much like Monday. Just can shake the feeling that I'm a bad person. Nothing seems to make me feel better, I just cry and cry...even sitting at my desk at work. Crying for no apparent reason, with nothing that my dear husband can say to make me feel better.
Wednesday. Feeling relatively better. I go to the 2 hour full moon yoga class at Sunshine Yoga and get some insight. Apparently the full moon this month was the "Pink Moon", and has some significance for the rebirth of spring. She said that there was a reason that we all had been feeling strange. Here's an interesting blog post about this phenomenon.
It was at this class that during our mediation/relaxation at the end Cathy said, "let everyone enjoy their own happiness." It was in that moment that I realized that whenever I find out someone had a baby, or someone else is preggo...I get jealous. But the fact is, that everyone is entitled to that happiness. And just because they got pregnant, doesn't mean that it won't happen for me. There isn't a limited number of women who can get pregnant and my friends being preggo give me less of a chance of falling pregnant. I need to be happy for each and every woman who gets to experience the magic of pregnancy and birth, and in that happiness it will help my universal pull to be just that: pregnant. And it doesn't stop there...I shouldn't judge a fat person for not having control, or not having motivation to exercise. Maybe they are happy like that...and they are ENTITLED to that happiness (and that goes for anyone no matter what makes them happy: doing drugs, drinking excessively, eating poorly, being lazy).
Thursday. Feeling better yet. Resolve to figure out our struggles of getting pregnant and make an appointment with my gynecologist.
Friday. Have a great day. Get a phone call from my mother that my grandmother is doing well. That she was sitting up, speaking and even eating and drinking! Wow, what an improvement...even the doctors are amazed(was it the pull of the full moon that helped her recovery?)! I'm feeling the strength of the renewal and hopeful that the next few cycles will be the very time that I will finally get pregnant.
Was anyone else feeling crazy last week? Does anyone else find it interesting the impact of the lunar cycles on human behavior and emotions? Do you agree that each and every person is entitled to their happiness?
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